Zhe Zombies are Comming!!!!!!
In an effort to ensure our family’s survival during a not too distant zombie apocalypse, as well as to test our readiness against the imminent domination of the mindless masses…wait a minute (on account of my last statement, I do believe we’ve already been helically compromised), I took the liberty of revising our current contingency plan, aptly named Zurviving Zhe Zombies v2.0. And yes, I get to make that stereotype guilt free- it’s the only compensation I get for my fluency in the German language and culture. My parents incorrectly assumed that Germany would remain a dominating power and sent me to a German school, in retrospect, had they known that the order of the power- proficient day would be Somali Pirates, I think public school would’ve come in tops. Don’t get me wrong…I’m very gratefull- I get seasick. TANGENT!
Back on point. Let’s just say that one fatefull night last week, intoxicated by the fumes of a spontaneously combustible, not-so-cruciferous plant, myself and Funky got hold of some sticky notes and a highlighter and went to task updating our contingency plan. Besides, you know how us ladies have an unexplained affection for colourful stationary....and smiley faces. :) Like Gin Rummy always says, "Bitches lurve them smiley faces..think I'll send you one right now".
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| This is a cruciferous vegetable. It is not spontaneously combustable. This is not what I'm talking about. |
Also, Funky....you may ask? Well, I do apologize for the overdue introduction, she is the only other organic life form that has managed to survive in our household. We have a cactus hanging on for dear life but it's really touch and go at the moment- so it's been automatically disqualified. Christened with all the pomp and ceremony befitting Simba from the Lion King, Funky Pennylope Mafikeng is the severely disgruntled, pseudo-suicidal, furry lovechild of Moth and I.
Introductions aside, and on to the more pressing matter of zombies. Moth made an interesting observation, stating that our plan fails to take various technological implications into consideration. So he's talking about cerebral interference and mind control- and I'm sitting there thinking.... "Oh! I'll fashion these nifty deflective tinfoil helmets". Besides, a mind controlling zombie overlord? Highly implausible, but don't tell him I said that.... dammit these helmets don't do sweetfannybluehole.....busted!
He says....Justin Bieber.
I recant my above statement.
So now that we've concluded the semi-preventative segment of the plan, our focus turns to our epic race against time to find a cure. A good friend of mine is in fact an actual scientist, however, borne out of my natural affection for the chaos theory I've decided not to consult with a chief virologist. Instead, I'm willing to take my chances against her seven years of highly specialized training and just....wing it! So in order to achieve an authentic approach I set the stage by dragging out every godforsaken glass I own, arranged them in neat rows and filled them each with an assortment of Fanta....the fun might not always find you- but the zombies sure as hell will!
Okay, so my kitchen might look more like a meth lab, but I'm satisfied with the results, so onto finding this illusive cure. Not withstanding my lack of formal scientific eduction, myself and Funky were progressing on our cure quite well. And by progressing I mean, we basically settled on the idea of simplicity and based our entire research on common household mould. Give me a brick; and I'll grow you mould. We've become quite the mould aficionado's in our efforts to preserve our family unit.
Scoff all you want ladies and gentlemen, but consider this before you throw those furry veggies away- you could potentially be disposing of valuable fungiforms that could be used in engineering a super vaccine- one the world has never seen before- thus ensuring the survival of the last bastion of human resistance. #just sayin' - that's all.
Zombie Apocalypse, you say?
Unlikely, you say?
She's got a flare for the dramatics, you say?
-YES-
The signs are all around us, and the hairy worms...they won't stop following me. If a whole genus is trying to communicate impending doom by annoying the shit out of you in the garden- then that shoulda-kinda constitute a cause for alarm. Now that you've had some time to digest this, you're more than likely thinking that this might not be that implausible. To further back my case, I'd like to refer you to what Spock once said, "If you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable <insert pause> must be the truth". And you kinda don't fuck with Vulcan logic... #again- just sayin'!Anxious, are we?
Could that be thinly veiled panic on your faces?
Don't you wish I could stop posing statements as questions?
But alas, I digress. Our plan has as much holes as Julius Malema's political rhetoric, but at least there's a sembelence of a plan. Bet you wish you had some incubated mould right now!
You're welcome!
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You ARE HILARIOUS!!!!!
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