So, there
are a few things I don’t believe in:
1. Diamonds
2. Family
Don’t get me
wrong, I don’t doubt their existence, but I sure as hell don’t promote their
ideals. In my mind’s eye, they leave behind them nothing but a path of false
ideals of value, pain, suffering, guilt and a clear distinction between those
who “ have” and those who “have not”. Now I’m not suggesting you adopt any of
the above philosophies as your own, but I think it necessary for me to bring
them to light, set the foundations and impart (my) frame of reference in order
for you to understand the gravity and significance of my latest ramblings….as
stated below.
An open (and most
likely undelivered ) letter to my Momaschnu…
MOMMY!!!!!!!
Now that I’ve
got your attention, Ol’ Lady, I’d like
to set the record straight.
I f*cking,
totally, TOTALLY love you! (#mftotes). I’m glad that I share your genetic
make-up (and predispositions for a vast array of medical conditions- not
forgetting insanity) and that you’re MY mommy.
I know I’m not the easiest pigeon of your pair- but thank you.
Thank you
for teaching me how to worship the sun, to blow bubbles and making me understand
that my two legs can carry me anywhere. Thank you for making me experience the
bone chilling fear that runs rampant within in me, whenever you drive. No motor
vehicle will have the satisfaction of me driving it.
Thank you
for saying “NO” to Spice Girls shoes and blessing me with the metabolism of a
tweaked-out gerbil. So even though, I’ve inherited your goldfish memory/
attention span and your indulgent flair for panic….I still want to impart my
gratitude, because I must declare that these “inadequacies” are best suited to
the likes of us.
Thank you
for instilling in me a hyper-exaggerated hatred of cellulite and for teaching
me how to appreciate an ice cold beer and how never to drink rum on a boat. For
cheering me up with Naked Mexican’s when I’m sad. And although, Darth Vader
shows more affection to his offspring than you could ever possibly muster up- I
still totally love you. Besides, I know hugs would be much too awkward for the
both of us. Thank you for teaching me to always be honest- even when honesty
hurts.
And even
though, you’d never say, you are the one who encourages the spirit of adventure
that burns bright inside of me. Thank you for teaching me how to love and
respect animals and for nurturing a deep
fanaticism for books and reading…..even though you are saddled with the
by-product years on. Narrating Button Soup is not a useless ability…even now
when I don’t need to hear it before I go sleep!
So here’s a
secret… during those many self- imposed orphan years…I missed you the most. I’m
not apologizing for the tears shed for and about me, but I love you and want
you to know that I forgive you for those reciprocated.
I have yet
to master your weapon of mass destruction…”le
silent treatment”…because really- you couldn’t shut me up for a second even
if you tried…so there are still so many things I have yet to learn from you. So
don’t fret Ol’ Lady, you and me have many more adventures ahead!!!
I’d also
like this to serve as an official and very public apology for an incident that occurred
circa 1991. It regards a certain school project…on budgies. More especially the
incident relates to photocopied pictures of budgies which you so lovingly
coloured in…on my behalf…without my consent. I’m sorry I had a cadenza of such
epic proportions, and yes- to this day it’s still clearly a sore point…more
than a decade on…. But you don’t just colour someone else’s budgies in without
asking first…. #ffs…who does that?
<PAUSE>
Again, I’m
sorry. And yes, the Encyclopaedia Britannica and the local library’s photocopy
machine was the only way you could incorporate some visual imagery in a school
project back in the day. That said, I do remember getting a good grade for that
project- no gold star mind you…but at least it helps mend the wound and ease my
ridiculous anguish.
I love you,
Momaschnu- and I’m giving you the biggest telepathic hug in the omniverse
(because that at least has to count for something…even if I have to live
through an imaginary awkward moment).
All my love,
You
perfectly imperfect daughter
P.S It’s not budgies…it budgerigars… “Besides, you’re saying it wrong. It’s LeviOsa, not LeviosAR!”
About the Author
She peddles her words for pennies. She likes to dance in the corner. She's chronically overwhelmed by life and love. She's many things....things she doesn't even know that she doesn't know about.
It's complicated....but isn't it always?
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