The convergence of choice, chance and change
I’ve
had a notable journey since I last posted something here. I’ve lived through
all sorts of experiences. I’ve survived the muted build-up of saying goodbye
and leaving. Settling in with my new perception of time. I’ve stood
precipitously on edge of everything I know and with reckless abandon, leapt
head-first into the great unknown. Travelled. Adventured. Journeyed.
Journeyed
alone, I’ve broken down to the very marrow of my bones and watched all the preconceived
notions of myself whistfully swirl and tumble like dust clouds through the bare tundra of
my psyche. There have been days where I’ve moved so sweetly, so serenely
through my day. Awestruck by the beauty and joy of all the small things that
occupy my present. I am, and remain to be, overwhelmed by life. Through the
past few months, I’ve learnt and unlearnt so many things. Witnessed the imperceptible
change of how I approach life. I’ve been scared shitless and have at times
revelled in the reward of living bare-chested against life’s wild heart. I find
myself occupying the realm of uncertainty. I feel naked. Vulnerable
and hopelessly ill-equipped to live mindfully- to be irrefutably present in the
moment. It is so infinitely harder than I had imagined- to open oneself up to
feel everything so innately, so intensely. It’s tiring and terrifying…and I
have a long way to go before I find a comfortable balance of self.
I’ve
experienced the bittersweet clutches of homecoming. Where everything and
everyone felt familiar but different. Things have changed. Things are changing.
Change
is inevitable and perhaps change is the price we all pay in order to take part
in the grand scheme of life. The admission for an authentic existence. You soon
encounter that change and choice are skilfully disguised in the
terms of admission of existance – the fine print of life. Each soul has a tax levied on it,
a carefully calculated percentage of honest reflection and self-discovery is
required as a result. We are all put through an emotional gauntlet where our
morals and character traits undergo a conspicuous form of break-even analysis.
Maybe
this emotional break-even analysis is a defining characteristic of those
marching in the funeral procession of their twenties. We inhabit a space of malcontent. Restless by
nature. You find the desperate value in determining the exact point at which you either
bend or break. What happens after that
point? I’m not entirely sure because it is at this exact juncture I find myself.
It was while reading a letter, penned by
Hunter S. Thompson in his early twenties, that I found parallels between my
discovery of this emotional breaking point and the age old question of “to be or not to be”.
“In every man, heredity and environment have combined to produce a creature of certain abilities and desires—including a deeply ingrained need to function in such a way that his life will be MEANINGFUL. A man has to BE something; he has to matter.”
We
are the sum of our reactions to experiences and environment. I’ve recently
realised that although I can’t control the onslaught of emotions, I can control
the manner in which I react to them. It is with this self-awareness that we are
able to plot our various abilities and characteristics on a moral ledger or
existential spreadsheet, if you will. Queue
an emotional break-even analysis. We define our margins of safety. We assign values
to revenue and cost. In this scenario,
we can view revenue as the
collective term that encompasses fulfillment, the value that we assign to personal
goals, as well as the sense of achievement and satisfaction. Cost is determined by how we react to uncertainty,
our propensity to rise to the challenge, making hard choices and the amount of
energy expended in the attainment of our goals.
There are times when life relentlessly and unforgivingly knocks you around, times when you just suck it up and dust yourself off. You hope that your your trusty friend Logic will prevail and decide to relegate emotion into cold calculations. You undertake an analysis to determine the point at which the revenue received,
equals the cost associated with receiving the revenue. Basically, is it worth
it? Does the hard work of self-discovery and brutal honesty warrant the payoff
when the payoff seems frustratingly out of our grasp? I suppose breaking points
by their very nature are true to their name. Do you bend or do you break? Do
you resign yourself to taking the path of least resistance or stride belligerently
into the great unknown? Do we float with the current or swim upstream? Maybe the
beauty lies not in the substance of which path we decide to forge but in the
fact that we have a choice at all.
Instead,
we might find solace in where we find ourselves presently. On the cusp of an emotional
tipping point – our breaking point. We exist in a sovereign state which is
dictated by the forces of uncertainty and probability. We leer skittishly over
the edge. Surveying the landscape of endless alternatives. We weather the winds
of change and stand at a junction that forces us to engage with one of the most
meaningful aspects of life - the definitive act of will. And so it is, that we discover that the act of free will (which
defines man as an individual entity) reveals itself in the form of a way point.
A way point on the summit of our breaking point. The equal sign in our emotional equation. Free will defines us. It’s
what assures our place as sentient beings. It forces our hand and demands a subjective approach to life. Living through our
experience subjectively provides the momentum needed for change. It is will
that actions change. It is will that demands us to weigh the choices with which
our path is beset.
In
his letter, Thompson sheds light on this malady. He divulges his formula in
which emotional revenue and cost is calculated against each other to achieve a
sense of balance.
“As I see it then, the formula runs something like this: a man must choose a path which will let his ABILITIES function at maximum efficiency toward the gratification of his DESIRES. In doing this, he is fulfilling a need (giving himself identity by functioning in a set pattern toward a set goal) he avoids frustrating his potential (choosing a path which puts no limit on his self-development), and he avoids the terror of seeing his goal wilt or lose its charm as he draws closer to it (rather than bending himself to meet the demands of that which he seeks, he has bent his goal to conform to his own abilities and desires).
In short, he has not dedicated his life to reaching a pre-defined goal, but he has rather chosen a way of life he KNOWS he will enjoy. The goal is absolutely secondary: it is the functioning toward the goal which is important.”Maybe more than choice, more than change, one should perhaps monopolise on chance. Chance, risk, will, determination, opportunity – they’re all different expressions of the same thing. ACTION. Movement and method...method to the madness of life. Be a verb and take action! I suppose if you want anything in your life to change, you need to make the choice and take the chance.
To
be honest this is what I’ve had the hardest time with lately. Finding the right
opportunity to take action. It’s so laughably obvious why I am struggling with
this. It boils down to my reluctance to exist in the present moment. Who is to
say when the right moment will avail itself? What constitutes the right moment?
And so by extension, we can assume that the right moment can only ever exist in the opaque realm of probability. In a place removed from the present, namely the future. The
root of most of my anxiety and frustration stems from my tendency to live in
the future. Meticulously working through a probable list of scenarios that don’t
actually exist. This cultivates apprehension and breeds doubt. How very tedious
it is to expend so much energy on worrying. I suppose the consolation of my new
found self-awareness is the fact that I am now able recognise the fact that most of my
energy and intention occupies the wrong time frame.
Maybe it’s about taking a moment
to enjoy the view from the summit, to set my baggage down alongside the
way point. To acknowledge that I’m at my breaking point. To stand in silence
and remember the lessons that I forgot. To appreciate that I’ve survived up
until this point. To readjust my focus and forget about the big picture by looking at
everything up close. To watch and to try and understand. To never avert my gaze
from what is happening right in front of me. To get lost in the simple beauty
of the unfolding moment. And to never, never forget.
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